The singer made the revelation during the first episode of Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry’s new Apple TV+ mental health series, The Me You Can’t See

Nicholas Rice is a Staff Editor for PEOPLE Magazine. He began working with the brand as an Editorial Intern in early 2020, before later transitioning to a freelance role, and then staff positions soon after.
Nicholas writes and edits anywhere between 7 to 9 stories per day on average for PEOPLE, spanning across each vertical the brand covers.

Lady Gaga is opening up about how her past trauma has shaped who she is today.

The 35-year-old singer appears on the premiere episode of Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry’s new Apple TV+ docuseries, The Me You Can’t See — which launched on Friday — which focuses on conversations about mental health with experts and various public figures.

During her episode, Gaga opens up about the aftermath of being raped.

“I was 19 years old, and I was working in the business, and a producer said to me, ‘Take your clothes off,’ ” the “Million Reasons” crooner recalled through tears in the episode.

“And I said no. And I left, and they told me they were going to burn all of my music.

And they didn’t stop. They didn’t stop asking me, and I just froze and I just — I don’t even remember.”

Gaga then went on to explain that while she respects the survivors who do publicly reveal their attackers, she has decided not to name her abuser because she does “not ever want to face that person again.”

Continuing her candid conversation, the Grammy award-winning songstress also detailed a time years later when she went to a hospital to seek help for pain and numbness she was experiencing.

“First I felt full-on pain, then I went numb,” Gaga said. “And then I was sick for weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks after, and I realized that it was the same pain that I felt when the person who raped me dropped me off pregnant on a corner at my parents’ house because I was vomiting and sick.

Because I’d been being abused. I was locked away in a studio for months.”

Lady Gaga. NEILSON BARNARD/GETTY

Gaga said that she became a different person because of the pain she suffered through, which led to a “psychotic break.” “For a couple years, I was not the same girl,” she said. Continued the singer, “The way that I feel when I feel pain was how I felt after I was raped.

I’ve had so many MRIs and scans where they don’t find nothing.

But your body remembers. I couldn’t feel anything, I disassociated. It’s like your brain goes offline.”

“It’s a really very real thing to feel like there’s a black cloud that is following you wherever you go, telling you that you’re worthless and should die. I used to scream and throw myself against the wall,” she added.

Gaga also revealed that she has self-harmed recently.

“You know why it’s not good to self-harm? Because it makes you feel worse,” Gaga said. “You think you’re gonna feel better ’cause you’re showing somebody, ‘Hey, look, I’m in pain.’ It doesn’t help.

I always tell people, ‘Tell somebody, don’t show somebody.’ “

She noted that recovery is an ongoing process, saying that “even if I have six brilliant months, all it takes is getting triggered once to feel bad, and when I say feel bad, I mean, wanna cut, think about dying.”

Gaga also shared some words of wisdom for fans who could currently be suffering, noting that it is crucial to find “one person who validates you.”

“Everybody thinks [healing] is a straight line, that it’s just like every other virus. That you get sick and then you get cured. But it’s not like that, it’s just not like that.”